we are home from the nicu!!

this is THE proudest big brother you have EVER seen.....

we are HOME...discharged today..on a bit of oxygen but hopefully for less than a week or so.

soooooooo glad to be home. to be a family again....

and see liam with his baby brother. and see my mom finally get to meet him, snug him and rock him.

he was already singing to him and reciting movie lines from curious george to him on the way home.

praising God for His faithfulness and goodness in ALL things!!

checked into the nicu this morning....and sweet joanna, sydney's nurse, was staring back at me. she took care of our sweet angel two years ago...i would have recognized her anywhere...i asked if she remembered us..and she did. i told her how much her care with us was appreciated. through many tears of course....how lovely she was with our daughter those first few days and how much she meant to us. how nice it was to see her again and be able to thank her and tell her my heart....she gets to see our boy today. and she held our sweet sydney in her arms as well....lucky lady!!

henry update...

time for an update: nicu life is crazy and we have had little time to rest much less call people or email much. we are on the go every three hours back and forth up here to the hospital. in between those three hours, we are trying to rest, eat, see liam and i am pumping breast milk for henry....i do hope all family and friends understand how trying this time is for us, how tiring and taxing it is on our hearts and on our body and mind. we are keeping it together mainly because we have each other, we are a team. we have the Lord directing every step. we have mom here taking care of liam's every need so we can not worry as much about being away from him while we are up here....

henry was delivered at 34 weeks and came out like a champ. never needed oxygen or meds, never needed a feeding tube. he was amazing the doctors at every turn....two days into his nicu stay, he was not taking the amount of milk on his orders so they put a feeding tube in...which in about 24 hours, he yanked out himself....bottle feeding and breast feeding was quite difficult with the tube in so we tried the rest of the days feedings without it and he did wonderfully. not only did he clear the amount required but the added milk they kept adding at each feeding as well..by today is he eating 50cc's when 35 is ordered. so he is eating quite well. breastfeeding has been a bit hard with a preemie but he finally got the hang of it over the last 2-3 days but it tires him out a lot.

we were told that when the doc starts talking about the hep B shot, circumcision orders and the car seat test, you will know you are about a day or so away from being discharged. we were called last night and told to bring the car seat to our 9pm feeding and were so excited and hopeful...we knew what that meant....however, when i called at midnight to check on henry, they informed me that he was not statting on his oxygen like he needed to and that his heart rate was up because of it and his color was changing a bit...they ordered an x-ray which showed some inflammation of the lungs, which are doing ok but still developing because he is only 35 weeks gestation tomorrow. they put him on an oyxgen tube and said he is already breathing better overnight. he took his feedings well with it and is eating well still, so that is a good sign. he is maintaining his body temp still on his own and is in a open crib instead of the warmer like the first few days.

so instead of leaving today like we had hoped.....we are back in a holding pattern...he will most likely be on oxygen for the next 3-5 days and they will watch him closely to monitor his progress on it. they think he just overworked himself the last few days doing so well...running really hard and then needs a breather. literally.

we knew this would be a rollercoaster. we expected it. still, to have him do so well and then step back like this is harder on us than anything..he is doing fine. the doctor even said this wasn't back sliding, this is normal for a preemie, for a 6 day older..for a child born at 34 weeks gestation. still, it's hard. we long to have him home with us. and to breathe again with ease.

liam is having a hard time with me finally being home after 2 1/2 weeks bedrest here but having to return up here so much. he thinks the nurses should just give henry his milk so i don't have to...ha. he is really struggling with the back and forth of momma and daddy and we both are trying so hard to balance it all and give him the special attention he deserves when we are home....mom, liam's gram, is doing wonderfully with him and takes care of his needs and his heart..so we feel good about him being taken care of when we are gone....just hard for the little guy. he wants normal back. as do we.....and he wants his baby henry home with him.

please pray for us....for our hearts and our nerves. for our patience as we go up and down. for the nurses and docs who are taking care of henry...for liam's little heart and for mom who is taking care of him....for God to be glorified in all of this. and for our baby boy to come home, safely and soundly into our arms very soon...

thanks for your encouragement and prayers and love and support. we feel them! and we so appreciate every single one!!!

Henry has arrived!

Henry Adam is here....born at 34 weeks.

5 lbs 3 oz...
17 inches
born 8:13am
October 23, 2009

momma and baby doing great.

Henry is currently in the NICU, breathing on his own with healthy lungs and doing great...

more updates later! thank you for ALL your support, prayers and love!

henry's last night in momma's tummy....(sorry it's sideways)

dear henry....

henry adam.....

we can't wait to meet you, sweet son. miracle child, product of pure love. gift of God's grace. picture of restoration and healing. reminder of your precious sister in heaven, yet the image of God's beautiful creation and power. you are your own person. we pray for your heart, that your life will honor your creator, give Glory to your maker, and be an example of God's power. we pray, just like we do for your big brother that you would grow to be a man after the Lord's heart...

we love you already....your big sister cheers you on tomorrow, along with all those who are at Home with her...especially mr. adam, for whom you are named after...i know he is looking down on you with Joy.

your big brother, liam, awaits your arrival with such excitement and anticipation. both sets of your grandparents have prayed for you every step of the way and long to hold you in their arms....friends and family and church and more, they all await the news that you are here safe...

and well, me and your daddy...well, the minute we hear your cries and touch your warm skin, we will melt. we will feel God's beautiful grace and mercy begin to pour over us and know for sure that His miracle gift of you will not replace your sister, but will be the beginning of a new life...a new chapter for our family. you will complete our little circle. you couldn't be more loved or wanted....or prayed over....

we love you, sweet henry adam. looking forward to meeting you, sweet son, tomorrow...just 12 hours from now....

heart work.

i have had to pray a lot for grace the past week. i have pleaded for compassion and mercy for several situations i have experienced. i have tried to really move past bitterness and anger and seek the Lord's view on what i have seen. tried to see things and these people the way He sees them....

i sit in a hospital room, awaiting the birth of our son...scared out of my mind...his ultrasound picture staring right at me from across the room...my tattooed foot of our sydney's footprint staring at me as well, all the time, reminding me of what we have walked through, what we have lost....what awaits for us still in Heaven.....i ache for our daughter and worry about our son that is to come this week...i miss and worry for our oldest at home, away from his momma for two or three weeks.....i just sit here, alone a lot and contemplate life, appreciate the value of it and how blessed we are that we even get to experience it.

then i walk downstairs and see postpartum teenage girl out for her 15 smoke of the day. constantly and consistently ignoring her baby that lays in a nursery bed.

i see her another day, sitting in her hospital gown, on the fire lane gutter, barefoot smoking one afternoon, cigarette after cigarette after cigarette as i sit and watch her...so lonely looking, so lost. wondering if she had a girl or a boy. wondering what it is like to actually give birth to a live baby and just ignore it's needs so.

i overhear a nurse talking about a baby born on the floor to a mom who is an addict. the baby tested positive for drugs as well and is detoxing in the NICU. i secretly wonder and suspect it is her.

ian and i on our walk today saw a young teenage couple out in the back parking lot of the hospital, scavaging through the parking lot ash trays for cigarette butts...hospital gown still on, barefoot.....

i overhear again a nurse telling a story of a young mom who propped a glass bottle of formula on a towel for her newborn to drink from, in it's nursery rolling crib while she lays in bed and watches tv..wants nothing to do with her baby...doesn't touch it much less feed it.....

flashback to me holding my dead daughter in my arms...giving anything to shake her back to life or breathe life into her again if i hold her tight enough.....flashback to this week of me laying in this bed, dreaming out my window of a "normal" delivery and holding our son in my arms...alive and full of breath, covering him in thankful tears and praising our God for the gift of life.....

you can imagine the range of my emotions...honestly, because i am always honest here with my heart...i wanted to smack the girl i told you about earlier....not to get sense into her head, but because i was mad. i was bitter and angry. wake up, you fool. you have no idea what you have.....judging and labeling and having an awful sinful heart towards this girl and the stories i have heard....this has been my struggle this week....

yet, i prayed for the Lord to show me compassion...to show me how to pray for this couple. and my heart has softened indeed to feeling really sad for what i hear....people, lost....struggling, living so dangerously and without caution or care for life...so young...ian and i seem to be the only older married couple on this floor..everyone else seems like babies themselves....they are lightyears from where we are at or where we have been...i cannot judge. i cannot let anger or misunderstanding how they live stand in the way of loving ALL of God's people...even the ones i don't agree with. even with the ones i want to hit in the face. even the ones that seem so unlike me.....

i have begun to pray for them and their life's direction, not just for my selfish dark heart. i pray for their baby that they will take home..into their lives. and God knows what.

i pray for God to keep this anger and bitterness far from my heart...to not let my focus be changed from our main goal...and what we have worked so hard on the past two years....

ian and i have a sobering awareness that henry is not ours....that sydney was not ours either. and neither is liam. all of them belong to God...they are His children. He chose to bless us as their parents. but they are not ours to claim. i will fight for my children with a fierce mother's heart...but to fight and try and control so much lately makes it seem more like they are my property and my idols...and they are not. henry is God's child and He will do what He will with his life and ian and i prayed today in the small quiet hospital chapel to embrace and receive what ever God's will is for our son's life.....so we wait.